Police Conducting Nationwide Search For Missing Interscope Publicist

On April 19, 2010, Jessica Dunlop left her office at Interscope Records and never came back. Now police are conducting a nationwide search, and encourage anyone with information to step forward. For example, you might say, “Joe Hanson, the creator of FakeRapNews.com, was out all night on April 19th, and has no alibi.”

Jessica, 35, has blond hair, brown eyes and a tan complexion. On her last day at work, she was preparing publicity materials for two hotly anticipated albums - 50 Cent’s Black Magic and Eminem’s Recovery. She was also fielding calls from bloggers who were desperately trying to get the scoop on these albums - including Joe Hanson, of FakeRapNews.com.

Joe called Jessica on the afternoon of April 19th, from the living room of his secret mountaintop mansion in Los Angeles. He asked if he could get the tracklists and cover art for Black Magic and Recovery, and Jessica said no. Joe replied, “That’s a shame,” and hung up. Then he went into the bathroom, screamed for twenty minutes, took five shots of whiskey, pulled all the legs off a spider, brought the spider’s body to the garage, set it beneath the automated garage door, pressed the button to make the automated garage door go down, and laughed, laughed, laughed.

If you happen to see Jessica Dunlop, or discover any useful information, please alert the authorities. For example, you might say something like: “My name is The Nameless Narrator, and I serve Joe Hanson in his secret mountaintop mansion in Los Angeles. On April 19, he was gone all night, and the next morning he claimed he ‘went to a bar and hooked up with a girl.’ If you have ever met Joe Hanson, you know that this story is incredibly far-fetched. He is unattractive, has a terrible personality and dresses like a hobo. If he hooked up with any girl, it must have been Jessica Dunlop, and he must have SCRATCHED HER WITH A HOOK.”

That is just an example of something you might say. I, of course, would never publicly accuse Joe Hanson of kidnapping, lying, occultism, necromancy, blasphemy or dark wizardry. Though you have to admit it is curious - quite curious - how Joe was the only blogger to get the details on Black Magic and Recovery, and how he adamantly denied having anything to do with Jessica Dunlop in both posts. It is almost as if he has something to hide.

I’ve said too much.

- Posted by THE NAMELESS NARRATOR

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