Fake Rap News

Nicki Minaj Becoming Hip Hop's Hottest Female Goofy Face Maker

Fri, 21 May 2010 14:56:00 -0700

The rap industry has long been dominated by males, with only a handful of female acts crossing over into the mainstream. However, in the past few years, Young Money affiliate Nicki Minaj has emerged as a force to be reckoned with, and is quickly becoming hip hop’s hottest female goofy face maker.

“I just want to be the best at making goofy faces,” says Nicki. “Making goofy faces is my passion. I feel blessed to have so many fans of my goofy faces, and I plan to make even goofier faces in the future.”

To date, Nicki Minaj has made goofy faces in several high profile music videos, including Ludacris’ “My Chick Bad,” Mariah Carey’s “Up Out My Face (Remix),” Young Money’s “Bedrock,” and her own “Massive Attack” and “Itty Bitty Piggy.” Yet the multiracial, openly bisexual goofy face maker says her talent goes all the way back to childhood.

“I grew up watching a lot of In Living Color,” says Nicki. “Fire Marshall Bill was like a hero to me. I wanted to make goofy faces just like Jim Carrey, and I would practice in front of the mirror for hours. My dream was to be the Fire Marshall Bill of hip hop.”

This dream came true when Dirty Money CEO Fendi discovered pictures of Nicki Minaj’s goofy faces on MySpace. He quickly signed the aspiring goofy face maker to his label, where she made goofy faces on “The Carter Edition” of Young Money’s The Come Up DVD series. Shortly thereafter, she was contacted by Lil’ Wayne, who asked her to make goofy faces on a variety of projects.

Three years later, Nicki Minaj is the most successful and sought-after goofy face maker in hip hop. Her Twitter account has over 750,000 followers, her music videos receive millions of views online, and she has inspired young women everywhere to start making goofy faces. Yet the New York City native still finds ways to stay humble.

“I try to remember my roots,” says Nicki. “I remember when I was a kid, playing Super Mario 64…you know the title screen? Where you could stretch Mario’s face out? I used to play that for hours. I never even played the rest of the game. I would just make a goofy face on Mario, and try to make my face look like that. I just did it because it was fun. I had no idea that when I grew up, that’s how I’d make my living.”

In 2010, Nicki Minaj is slated to make goofy faces in several high-profile projects, such as the music video for Lil’ Wayne’s “Knockout,” the music video for her own “Your Love,” and a sex tape. But when asked if she will ever branch out as a musical artist, the 26-year-old goofy face maker laughs it off.

“No, I don’t think anyone wants to hear me rap!” says Nicki. “Trust me.”

- Posted by JOE

Kanye West "Good-Ass Job" Tracklist & Cover Art

Thu, 20 May 2010 11:36:00 -0700

Def Jam Records has just released the official tracklist and cover art for Kanye’s fifth studio album, Good-Ass Job.

1. Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Hipster
2. Shoes, Shoes, Shoes!
3. HELP MY CAPSLOCK BUTTON IS STUCK
4. Yes, I Like Fish Sticks
5. You’re Welcome, Taylor Swift
6. AutoTune Is So Cool
7. AutoTune Is So Lame
8. AutoTune Is So….I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE
9. Martin Van Buren Doesn’t Care About Welsh People
10. Shoes. OHMYGOD. Shoes. (ft. Kelly)
11. Yo, Eyjafjallajökull! I’m Really Happy For You, And I’mma Let You Finish, But Mýrdalsjökull Had The Greatest Volcanic Eruption Of All Time!
12. Some Bragging Over An Old Daft Punk Song
13. Hey Jay Leno, What Would Your Dead Mother Say About Asking People About Their Dead Mother?
14. Credibility (ft. Common & Mos Def)
15. Please Do Not Confuse This Album With Clay Aiken’s “Good Ass-Job”
16. Preemptive Apologies For Everything I’m Going To
Do In The Next Ten Years

Rumor has it that on this album the usually shy West reveals what he thinks about himself. (Spoiler alert: He’s impressed.)

He also makes frequent reference to a “Louis Vuitton Don,” which sounds like a metrosexual mafioso. That is INCORRECT. “Louis Vuitton Don” is a nickname Kanye gave to himself, because he is like a fashion-conscious Don Quixote. Obviously, this makes Jay-Z his Sancho Paza and Amber Rose his Dulcinea. It also explains why Kanye frequently destroys windmills.

Good-Ass Job hits stores September 13th, and will come with a free pair of elastic, glow-in-the-dark skinny jeans.

- Posted by JOE

Master P Moons Crowd; Makes Them Say 'Uhh'

Mon, 17 May 2010 18:36:00 -0700

Pandemonium broke out at the Lakeside Shopping Center last weekend, as rapper and producer Master P mooned a crowd of dozens, making them say “uhhh.”

“I warned you!” screamed Master P, as security personel dragged him away. “I f-cking warned you!”

The incident took place around 2PM at the Center Court, located between Dillards and J.C. Pennies. Patrons shopping for a new summer wardrobe were reportedly shocked to see a middle-aged man in gaudy No Limit clothing suddenly drop his pants and grin from ear to ear.

“I thought he was going to stop when he was in his boxers,” said Dorothy Clesgood, 54. “But then he dropped those too and - oh, geez, I had to say ‘uhh!’ We all did. It’s really gross to look at a butt.”

After dropping his boxers, Master P, 43, reportedly wagged his butt from side to side, chanting “Na-nah, na-nah! Na-nah na-nah!” Lakeside Shopping Center patrons - which ranged from teenagers to the elderly to small families - responded by saying, “Uhh!” and shielding their eyes. Master P then repeated his chant of “Na-nah, na-nah! Na-nah, na-nah!” multiple times before being arrested by mall security.

Police say it isn’t uncommon to see Master P in Metairie, Louisiana, as it is a suburb of his birthplace, New Orleans. However, this is his first incident of public indecency, and they are taking it seriously.

“It’s true that he warned us,” said Officer Dan Steele. “He said he was going to make us say ‘uhhh’ in 1997, and we ignored him. Now we’re paying the price. But you know what? We learn from our mistakes and we’re not going to let the No Limit Soldiers win - if we ever get word that Master P, Fiend, Silkk the Shokker, Mia X or Mystikal are in Metairie again, we will sound a red alert. No one’s going to make the good people of this town say ‘uhhh’ ever again.”

It is unclear what precisely Master P might be planning. The veteran MC refused to speak to reporters as he was escorted from the mall - though he did take a moment to scream at a nearby Radio Shack, “I got the hook-up! Holler if you hear me! Uhhh! I got the hook-up! Holler if you hear me!”

Radio Shack employees are reportedly “terrified” and have doubled their security in response.

- Posted by JOE

Note: If you are wondering why there were no articles last week, it was because I took the week off. It was NOT because I ‘became unstuck in time’. Those are vicious and entirely baseless rumors. It would be in the best interest of the people spreading them to stop, because they are NOT prepared to reap the consequences. I am only saying this once. Your move.

New Canibus Album Just Rapping a High School Biology Textbook

Fri, 07 May 2010 13:28:00 -0700

Rapper Canibus is being accused of plagiarism for his latest album, Prentice Hall Biology. While the underground MC has always been known for his scientific rhymes, critics say that his new album crosses the line - in that everything he raps is quoted verbatim from the high school science textbook Prentice Hall Biology, by Miller & Levine.

“Most of the universe consists of matter and energy,” raps Canibus on the opening song, “Atoms and Molecules.” “Energy is the capacity to do work / Matter has mass and occupies space / All matter is composed of basic elements / that cannot be broken down to substances / with different chemical or physical properties.”

“I really can’t support this,” says Canibus fan Doug McCallister, while playing Starcraft 2 in his parents’ basement. “I mean, Canibus is ill. I loved ‘Poet Laureate II.’ But it’s not right to steal like this. I knew something was wrong when Canibus’ lyrics sounded coherent, and I started to learn something.”

Prentice Hall Biology is Canibus’ tenth studio album, and each song has the same title as a chapter in Prentice Hall Biology, the high school science textbook. Since there are no choruses, each track consists of Canibus rapping random passages verbatim, with the only deviations being the occasional “yeah,” “yo” or “uh!”

On the lead single, “Evolution,” Canibus raps, “Gene flow moves alleles among populations / through interbreeding as well as by migration / of breeding individuals. Gene flow increases variation / within a population / by introducing new alleles produced in another population.”

“Look, I know what to expect when I listen to a Canibus album,” says Canibus fan Winston Feingold, while playing World of Warcraft in his dark studio apartment. “I expect beats by people I’ve never heard of, songs with no structure whatsoever, and dope ass rhymes that reference literature, science and philosophy. I don’t want to hear Canibus plagiarize a high school science textbook. Although this is still better than C: True Hollywood Stories.”

The writers of Prentice Hall Biology, Ken Miller and Joe Levine, remain unsure if they’re going to press charges.

“We thought about suing Canibus to get a cut of his record sales,” says Ken, “but he doesn’t really have any record sales.”

“Then we thought about suing Canibus to get our names listed on his album as songwriters,” says Joe. “But we heard his songs and we don’t really want to take credit for them.”

Prentice Hall Biology - the Canibus album - is available to purchase online, and at that sketchy Best Buy in your state’s biggest city. While Miller & Levine debate whether or not to press charges, they take comfort in knowing the plagiarism is so obvious - on multiple songs, Canibus raps the discussion questions at the end of each textbook chapter.

“Why are sponges classified as animals?” raps Canibus on “Invertebrates.” “Why is the movement of water key to a sponge’s survival? / Match the terms on the left with the definitions on the right / Osculum, spiculus, pores, coanocytes, archaeocytes / Describe how a sponge feeds / What triggers a sponge to produce gemmules?”

- Posted by JOE

Body of Missing Publicist Found, With Brain Missing

Thu, 06 May 2010 12:29:00 -0700

Early this morning, Salt Lake City police found the body of missing Interscope Records publicist Jessica Dunlop in the meat freezer of the traveling San Zhi Circus. The freezer belonged to lion tamer Miles Gunner, who was immediately arrested and taken into custody. Upon closer inspection of the body, police discovered that it was perfectly intact, except for one shocking detail - the brain was missing.

Miles Gunner, 52, is tall, athletic and bald, with a black goatee and the curious tattoo “DWF” on his spine. He joined the San Zhi Circus sometime in the 1980’s, and gained notoriety for his masterful control of the lions. While most lion tamers used whips and harsh words to control their beasts, Miles used nothing. The lions seemed preternaturally scared of him, and were instantly servile at all times. It is unclear why a lion tamer would murder a Los Angeles-based publicist, but Miles directly admitted his involvement in the crime.

“I am responsible for what has happened to Jessica, though it is erroneous to say she is dead,” stated Miles. “She is free. And it would be a grave, grave mistake to remove the body from the freezer and let it spoil. I say that not as a threat, but because Jessica would find it insulting. She would not like that very much, at all.”

Miles refused to say where Jessica’s brain was located, and police did not find it during a comprehensive search of the San Zhi Circus premises. They were also unable to glean a motive from Miles, who answered each question calmly, staring out at the crowd of policeman and journalists with piercing black eyes.

“I did this because I am a psychopath, like you might see in the movies,” stated Miles matter-of-factly. “And I acted completely alone, so there is no need for you to investigate further. I would just like to say that it is very unfortunate that you decided to turn me in, Esmeralda - very, very unfortunate.”

Esmeralda Mills, 31, is the wife and assistant to magician Darren Hunt, 33. The couple had recently joined the San Zhi Circus as a performing act, though Esmeralda had always been leery of the “creepy” staff members.

“It is like everyone here is keeping a secret,” said Esmeralda. “It’s hard to describe. They liked my husband, and always said he had ‘potential,’ but they were very stand-offish to me. Especially Miles. It was terrifying how he would always look at you without speaking, and how wherever he went, there was the overwhelming smell of fish.”

Esmeralda became increasingly suspicious over the past week, as Miles appeared more haggard than usual. “I knew something was up,” said Esmeralda. “I had this terrible dream one night, about a short, pale man with spiky blond hair. Then I woke up and saw these weird lights on in Miles’ tent. The whole week after that, he was acting weird. So I sneaked into his tent the other night, found the body in the freezer, and called the police.”

San Zhi Circus performers refused to comment on the matter, and police quickly grew frustrated with the staff. Though the circus employs about a hundred people, and claims to constantly tour throughout the country, there is no bookkeeping or paperwork to confirm any of it. The San Zhi Circus manager, Lee Wen-Yeh, does not speak English, and the San Zhi Circus owners are unnamed, purportedly living at an undisclosed address somewhere in Taiwan.

Darren Hunt says that he and Esmeralda are done performing with the San Zhi Circus. “We’re going somewhere else, anywhere else,” says Darren. “And hopefully we don’t have to deal with any of these people ever again. That’s all I’m going to say.”

Currently Miles Gunner is still in custody, and funeral arrangements are being made for Jessica’s body. More information will be reported as it becomes available.

- Posted by THE NAMELESS NARRATOR

Note: The original version of this article contained a picture of Miles Gunner, but Joe Hanson deleted it, to “protect his privacy.”

PREVIOUSLY: Police Conducting Nationwide Search For Missing Interscope Publicist

Lil' Wayne Declares Himself "Best Prisoner Alive"

Wed, 05 May 2010 14:02:00 -0700

Though he’s only been incarcerated for two months, multi-platinum rapper Lil’ Wayne is already declaring himself “the best prisoner alive.”

“Weezy F. Baby!” exclaimed Lil’ Wayne, from his cell in Rikers Island. “You know what it is! I’m the king. Ain’t nobody else on my level. Nobody. I’m one of the greatest to ever serve time. Best prisoner alive.”

These words spurred a groundswell of support from young prison fans, who excitedly spammed message boards and designed T-shirts to proclaim Lil’ Wayne’s dominance. However, the vast majority of prison fans remain unconvinced.

“Just because you say you are the best prisoner alive doesn’t mean you are the best prisoner alive,” says prison critic Heath Fresno. “Every prisoner says he’s the best prisoner alive. I don’t know why people are so eager to believe Lil’ Wayne when he says it. He doesn’t even have a classic riot.”

To date, Wayne’s started seven prison riots, which have ranged in quality from mediocre to okay to good. Yet young prison fans insist his riots are among the greatest to ever take place. “F*ck the haterz!!!!” writes WeezyFan1994, on the Lil Wayne Discussion Forums. “He’z runnin dis game!!! Yall juss jealous!!! U need 2 get used 2 these words: Weezy: Best prisoner alive!!! Yeah!!! Young Money 4eva!!!”

“I don’t think his fans are that familiar with prison,” says Heath. “Don’t get me wrong - Lil’ Wayne’s alright. But there are so many other great prisoners - Ray-Z, Nazz, 2-Glocks, Piggy, Sock’im, Big Stabby Kane, Starface, KRS-Gun, Ice Dude, Ghostface Killah. Is Lil’ Wayne really a better prisoner than those guys? Is his riotography really on their level? I don’t think so.”

Lil’ Wayne fans may find such opinions to be snobbery. But the good news is, Wayne still has some time to prove himself. He won’t be released from Riker’s Island for ten months, and is already working on a new riot.

“The next one’s gonna be crazy!” exclaimed Lil’ Wayne. “Y’all aren’t even going to believe it. It’s another classic riot - that’s eight classic riots in a row. Let’s see your favorite rapper do that. Oh, wait, he can’t, unless I’m him. I’m the greatest, baby! Best prisoner alive!”

- Posted by JOE

Diddy "Last Train To Paris" Tracklist & Cover Art

Tue, 04 May 2010 15:26:00 -0700

Bad Boy Records has just released the official tracklist and cover art for Diddy’s fifth studio album, Last Train To Paris.

1. LET’S GO!!!! BE GREAT PEOPLE!!! LOCK IN!!!
2. Money Club Happy Dance Time
3. Who Wants To Be My Assistant? Insane Masochists.
4. I Throw Parties With Breakdancing Unicorns. You?
5. Something Nas Ghostwrote For Me
6. Some Re-Purposed Biggie Vocals
7. I Invented The Remix, And The Kinetoscope
8. Alright, Farnsworth, Stop Fucking Around And Get My Dry Cleaning
9. LET’S GET IT!!! HATE IS 4 SUCKAS!!! SPREAD LOVE!!!
10. Something T.I. Ghostwrote For Me
11. Sex Love Girl Dance Shopping
12. Vote For U.S. Senator Amy Klobuchar, Or Die
13. A Sincere Apology For “Come With Me”
14. Making The Band, That Won’t Stay Together
15. Something Royce da 5’9” Ghostwrote For Me
16. Awkward Elevator Ride (ft. Shyne)
17. Ironically, I Wake Up In The Morning Feeling Like Ke$ha
18. DON’T STOP!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The album features producers that want to be invited to Diddy’s parties, singers that want to be invited to Diddy’s parties and rappers that want to be invited to Diddy’s parties. Pick up Last Train To Paris on June 22nd, and you yourself might be invited to one of Diddy’s parties!*

*You will never be invited to one of Diddy’s parties. Unless you are employed as one of his Human Coasters. In which case, you will be given a heavy dosage of anesthesia, duct taped to an ivory table, and remember nothing.

- Posted by JOE

Joe Budden Puts Webcam In Bathroom; "I Want You To Watch Me Poop"

Mon, 03 May 2010 08:59:00 -0700

Joe Budden is best known as a rapper, thanks to his hit single “Pump It Up” and classic mixtape Mood Muzik 2. But in the past few years, he’s also made a name for himself as a video blogger. His online series Joe Budden TV has gotten hundreds of thousands of views, capturing interactions with friends, entourage members and model/ex-girlfriend Tahiry. Now, with Joe Budden TV entering its second year, the Jersey MC has an idea for how to spice things up: a live Webcam in the bathroom.

“This is real life,” says Joe Budden. “Real reality. Nothing is scripted. I want to share everything about my life with my fans. I want you to watch me poop.”

The Webcam is positioned directly in front of the toilet at Joe Budden’s New Jersey home. Since it went live, there have been stretches of dead air, but also moments of action, including Joe Budden urinating, Joe Budden defecating and Joe Budden washing his hands. In an especially memorable moment, Joe Budden looked into the mirror wistfully, smoked a cigarette, and said, “Damn. I look good. That is one handsome man. Pause.”

“Listen,” says Joe Budden. “My music is introspective. Intro. Spective. A lot of rappers are fake - I’m not fake. I show you my real personality. I show you the many faces of Joe Budden. And now you get to see my face when I drop a dookie.”

So far feedback to Joe Budden Bathroom TV has been mixed. Fans have given the acclaimed MC props for trying something new, but expressed concern he may have gone too far. “Joe Budden’s one of the illest rappers alive, but he needs to lay off the Webcam,” writes NudeMuzikScrew, on the Joe Budden TV Forums. “It’s too much. I don’t want to see him wipe his butt. Maybe that guy from Raekwon’s entourage should stop by and knock some sense into him.”

“Hey, I’m not here to make friends,” says Joe Budden. “I’m on the cutting edge of technology. Let me break that down for you: The cutting. Edge. Of technology. I was one of the first rappers on YouTube, I was one of the first rappers on Twitter, and now I’m the first rapper to take a doody on camera. Unless you count R.Kelly. Pause.”

Time will tell if Joe Budden Bathroom TV is a success. But in the meantime, fans can expect some surprises - like yesterday’s guest appearance from friend and fellow Slaughterhouse member Royce da 5’9”.

“That’s me,” said Royce, as he pointed to Joe Budden’s poop floating in the toilet. “Because I’m the shit!” Royce then burst out laughing and chugged Patron for two minutes. “I’m the shit!” he screamed, with a cackle. “You little fruits! Next time you say you gotta take a shit…say you gotta take a Royce!”

“Pause,” added Joe Budden, as he zipped up his fly and buckled his belt. “Pause.”

- Posted by JOE

Game To Release 50 Cent Diss Song And 50 Cent Apology Song At Same Time

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 13:46:00 -0700

Compton rapper Game has had a longstanding beef with 50 Cent. Over the past five years, their on-again, off-again feud has led to dozens of diss songs, multiple videos, three failed peace treaties and one wounded entourage member. Now, in order to drum up publicity for his upcoming R.E.D. Album, Game is going back to the well, and will release a 50 Cent diss song and 50 Cent apology song on the same day.

“Yo, f*ck 50 Cent,” says Game. “That dude is straight up b*tch, for real. He and all them other fools in G-Unit can suck a fat d*ck. A big fat, Compton d*ck. Straight up. I got love for those guys, though. They have mad talent and they’re dear, dear friends. Shoutout to 50 Cent and everyone else in G-Unit. You guys are the best. I love you.”

The two songs - entitled “F*ck You, 50 Cent” and “I’m Sorry, 50 Cent” - will be released to radio and the Internet on Tuesday, May 4th. A recent listening session revealed them to be full of scathing invective, heartfelt apology, delirious anger and tearful regret.

On “F*ck You, 50 Cent,” Game raps, “F*ck you, Curtis Jackson, you just like Ja / Singin’ every hook pretty, like you just hit the spa / I should shoot you in the face, no one would miss you a bit / It’s like my homey Dr. Dre said - ‘B*tches Ain’t Sh*t.”

Meanwhile, on “I’m Sorry, 50 Cent,” Game raps, “I’m sorry, Curtis Jackson, I don’t know what I said / I miss you so much, sometimes I wish I was dead / Can’t believe we haven’t spoken in so many years / I’m like ‘Pac when I think about you - “So Many Tears.”

It might seem strange for Game to harbor such mixed feelings toward 50 Cent, but their relationship has always had this dichotomy: On Game’s body, there are tattoos of “G-Unit” and “G-Unot.” At Game’s house, there is a picture of 50 Cent he throws darts at, and a picture of 50 Cent he has long conversations with, while drunk. And when Game’s wife gives birth to twins this September, the boy will be named Curtis to pay tribute to 50 Cent, and the daughter will be named Curtis to mock 50 Cent, and make him seem unmanly.

“This sh*t isn’t rocket science,” says Game. “When I first got into rap, 50 was my mentor and my friend. He taught me everything I know, and I got a lot of respect for him. I just want to shoot him in the face, because he means nothing to me.”

Game’s The R.E.D. Album drops June 15th, and is full of disparaging and friendly references to the G-Unit frontman. On the inside cover, there is even a personal note, dedicating the album “to my good friend 50 Cent, and whoever kills that stupid punk, 50 Cent.” Yet Game does not rule out the possibility of a future collaboration.

“Hell, yeah, I’d collaborate with 50!” Game exclaims. “When we were together, we made our best music. I’d never work with him again, though, because he’s an a**hole. Wack-ass clown. But he’s really talented. We should hang out again. I’ll punch him in the face. That’s my brother. I want to murder him. Big shout-out to 50 Cent, Yayo, Buck, Banks - keep doing your thing. Get money. I hope you fail. I got a lot of love for y’all. I wish you were dead. Know what I’m sayin’?”

- Posted by JOE

Police Conducting Nationwide Search For Missing Interscope Publicist

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 13:02:00 -0700

On April 19, 2010, Jessica Dunlop left her office at Interscope Records and never came back. Now police are conducting a nationwide search, and encourage anyone with information to step forward. For example, you might say, “Joe Hanson, the creator of FakeRapNews.com, was out all night on April 19th, and has no alibi.”

Jessica, 35, has blond hair, brown eyes and a tan complexion. On her last day at work, she was preparing publicity materials for two hotly anticipated albums - 50 Cent’s Black Magic and Eminem’s Recovery. She was also fielding calls from bloggers who were desperately trying to get the scoop on these albums - including Joe Hanson, of FakeRapNews.com.

Joe called Jessica on the afternoon of April 19th, from the living room of his secret mountaintop mansion in Los Angeles. He asked if he could get the tracklists and cover art for Black Magic and Recovery, and Jessica said no. Joe replied, “That’s a shame,” and hung up. Then he went into the bathroom, screamed for twenty minutes, took five shots of whiskey, pulled all the legs off a spider, brought the spider’s body to the garage, set it beneath the automated garage door, pressed the button to make the automated garage door go down, and laughed, laughed, laughed.

If you happen to see Jessica Dunlop, or discover any useful information, please alert the authorities. For example, you might say something like: “My name is The Nameless Narrator, and I serve Joe Hanson in his secret mountaintop mansion in Los Angeles. On April 19, he was gone all night, and the next morning he claimed he ‘went to a bar and hooked up with a girl.’ If you have ever met Joe Hanson, you know that this story is incredibly far-fetched. He is unattractive, has a terrible personality and dresses like a hobo. If he hooked up with any girl, it must have been Jessica Dunlop, and he must have SCRATCHED HER WITH A HOOK.”

That is just an example of something you might say. I, of course, would never publicly accuse Joe Hanson of kidnapping, lying, occultism, necromancy, blasphemy or dark wizardry. Though you have to admit it is curious - quite curious - how Joe was the only blogger to get the details on Black Magic and Recovery, and how he adamantly denied having anything to do with Jessica Dunlop in both posts. It is almost as if he has something to hide.

I’ve said too much.

- Posted by THE NAMELESS NARRATOR

Bun B To Record Entire Album Just By Using The Word "Trill"

Wed, 28 Apr 2010 10:56:00 -0700

For the past twenty years, Southern rapper Bun B broke new ground as part of the legendary rap duo UGK. Now the Port Arthur MC is set to break new ground again, recording an entire album just by using the word “trill.”

“I’ve been telling you I’m trill since 1989,” says Bun B. “But a lot of people still don’t know what trill means, or recognize that I’m the trillest. So this should clear up a lot of that trill confusion.”

The album, tentatively titled Trill Trill Trill Trill, will be Bun B’s fourth solo release. It is preceded by Trill, II Trill and Trill OG - but the veteran MC says this one stands out.

“You really get the sense I’m trill on this one,” says Bun B. “On my previous work, you might’ve heard me say I’m trill here and there. But on this one, my trillness is out in full force. You gotta respect my trillosity. I’ve been trill, I am trill and I’m always gonna be trill. Word.”

As of now, Trill Trill Trill Trill is about 50% done, and features some familiar names. Jazze Pha produces the bouncy lead single “Triiiiill.” 8Ball & MJG guest appear on the pimping anthem “Trill? Trill, Trill, Trill.” But perhaps the most affecting song is “Trill, Trill Trill? (Trill, Trill Trill),” an ode to Bun B’s late musical partner, Pimp C.

“Trill trill trill trill trill trill, trill trill trill trill trill,” Bun B raps. “Trill, trill trill trill? Trill trill trill trill! / Trill, trill, trill! Trill, trill, trill! / Trill trill trill trill trill trill trill / Trill, trill, trill!”

Fans can expect Trill Trill Trill Trill to hit stores sometime in September 2010. But in the meantime, Bun B is living up to his reputation as the hardest working guy in rap - he’s already got a plan for his fifth solo album.

“If I can get the word out on trill with this one,” says Bun B, “and I mean really get the word out on trill, I’m going to do another record like this. But I never do the same thing twice. I’m gonna switch it up. The next one will be called Candy.”

- Posted by JOE

Eminem "Recovery" Tracklist & Cover Art

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 11:53:00 -0700

Sources at Interscope Records have revealed the official tracklist and cover art for Eminem’s seventh studio album, “Recovery.”

1. I’m Totally Crazy, You Guys!
2. Let’s Go Murder Some Women
3. Have I Told You About My Mom?
4. Dissing Non-Threatening Famous People
5. A Skit You’ll Listen To Once, And Then Never Again
6. Uh Oh - Found Some Women Who Aren’t Murdered.
7. Drugs Are Good, But Also Bad - What A Dilemma!
8. Dr. Dre Is My Best Friend, And We Have Matching Bracelets
9. Have I Told You About My Ex-Wife?
10. My Name Is Slim Shady. Slim Shady Is My Name. What’s My Name?
11. Ugh…PROBLEMS. So many PROBLEMS. UGGGHHH
12. Another Skit You’ll Listen To Once, And Never Again
13. Farts (ft. Dina Rae)
14. Dissing More Non-Threatening Famous People - OMG
15. Have I Told You About My Daughter?
16. I’m Great At Rapping. Much Better Than You. Faggot.
17. Sorry For Saying Faggot (ft. Elton John)
18. D12 Still Exists (I Know, Right?)
19. Really? You Women Haven’t Been Murdered Yet? You Know I’m Crazy, Right? Right? RIGHT?!?!
20. An Outro You’ll Listen To Once, And Then Never Again

Production credits include The Alchemist, Just Blaze, Denaun Porter and bunch of goth kids. If you’re looking for the lead single “I’m Not Afraid,” the title has been changed to “Dissing Non-Threatening Famous People,” which is the other part of the chorus. (“I’m Not Afraid of Dissing Non-Threatening Famous People” was too long.)

[And no, my source at Interscope Records is NOT Jessica Dunlop, the publicist who mysteriously went missing. I do NOT KNOW HER, and I have NO IDEA WHERE SHE IS. I already told you this in my 50 Cent “Black Magic” post. So please STOP ASKING QUESTIONS or you will PAY DEARLY. (especially you, Nameless Narrator).]

Stay tuned.

- Posted by JOE

Jay-Z Running Out Of Things To Brag About

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 13:58:00 -0700

Jay-Z might be the most accomplished rapper, with eleven multi-platinum solo albums, his own clothing line, his own entertainment company, co-ownership of the New York Nets, and one of the most beautiful women in the world as his wife. Yet in a recent listening session for his new album, King of Kings, it seems like he is running out of things to brag about.

“Eleven number one albums, maybe now twelve,” Jay-Z raps on the opening track, “Victory.” “Maybe thirteen if I put another on the shelf / After that, fourteen / After that, fifteen / I’m married to Beyonce / She’s really hot.”

“Yeah, there was a point where he was just counting,” says Meka of 2dopeboyz.com. “Then he stopped rhyming and kept repeating ‘Beyonce’s hot, Beyonce’s hot,” like we’ve never seen a picture of her before. I’m really not sure what Jay’s going for here.”

The listening session took place at 40/40, Jay-Z’s New York City nightclub, for a small audience of bloggers and journalists. While the crowd was initially excited, they quickly grew disappointed after hearing songs like “Room Service,” “Chris and Gwyneth” and “My Chauffeur.” However, the mood hit an especially low point during the DJ Toomp-produced cut, “Exclusive.”

“My house so exclusive, my car so exclusive,” Jay-Z raps. “My clothes so exclusive, my kicks so exclusive / My watch so exclusive, my fish so exclusive / my lamps so exclusive, my doilies so exclusive.”

“Yeah, I checked out when Jay-Z started rapping about doilies,” says MTV’s Shaheem Reid. “When I listen to Jay, I want to hear him rap about crime, girls, life, love, New York City. Not about doilies. And I don’t even know if this is rapping - he’s just listing things in his house.”

Though those in attendance were visibly bored - and rarely looked up from their iPhones - they stuck it out to the end to hear the buzzed-about song, “Left and Right,” featuring Jack White of The White Stripes. In recent interviews, Jay-Z called the track “crazy” and Jack White called it “incredible.” However, the song just turned out to be an ode to Jay-Z’s socks, which are so fancy and customized they must be designated “left and right,” like shoes.

“50% silk, 50% satin,” Jay-Z raps. “Sinatra on the side, bet you wonder how it happened.” Then, after a few guitar licks, Jack White comes in for the chorus: “Left and right / You gotta step in right / To my socks, my socks / Left and right / You gotta step in right / To my socks, my socks.”

“Yeah, I really don’t care about Jay-Z’s socks,” says Elliott Wilson of RapRadar.com. “I never thought I’d say this, but I was hoping Memphis Bleek would show up. Or Young Chris. I’d even take Amil. And I haven’t thought about her since 2002. I’d rather listen to a song by Amil then Jay-Z rap about socks.”

King of Kings is expected to hit stores 4th quarter 2010. The lead single, “Doilies,” is produced by No I.D.

- Posted by JOE

New Shyne Songs Actually Being Recorded By Horse That Learned To Speak

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:14:00 -0700

Former Bad Boy artist Shyne recently returned to hip hop after spending more than eight years in prison. However, songs such as “Messiah” have gotten overwhelmingly negative feedback. Fans have wondered why Shyne’s voice sounds so raspy and jarring, and now an answer has finally emerged - all the new “Shyne” songs have actually been recorded by a horse that learned to speak.

“I am no longer the guy that I used to be,” says Shyne, who was convicted in 2001 for his role in a nightclub shooting. “The best way for me to move on with my life will be to put the past behind me. So all of my new songs will be recorded by a talking horse.”

The horse - nicknamed Ed after the 1960’s TV show - is a chestnut Arabian stallion, roughly 14 years of age. While the horse does not possess human intelligence, it is capable of mimicking human speech. Ed began by repeating simple phrases such as “Hello,” “very happy” and “good oats.” He worked his way up to repeating nursery rhymes, and now he raps the hard knock tales of a lascivious street hustler trying to make a fortune.

“I can’t think of anyone better than Ed to rap my verses,” says Shyne. “Ed represents the new me - a 30-year-old man that sounds like a talking horse.”

Ed, of course, is not the first animal to speak human language. Beyond parrots, there have been a variety of talking animals over the years - Tiggy the cat, Odie the dog, Hoover the harbor seal, Batyr the elephant. What separates Ed from the rest, though, is his expanded vocabulary and memory.

“I got the city on my back, pretty women in my lap,” Ed raps on Shyne’s new single, Messiah. “Rollin’ in the Rolls, Sit sittin’ in my lap. / This is not a rap, fool, this is not an act.”

Yet how exactly the horse can do this remains a mystery. Scientists claim Ed was discovered by a South Dakota farmer in the wild, with the only clue to its origin being the letters “DWF” branded onto its hind quarters. To most, those letters are meaningless. However, some people believe “DWF” stands for the Demikhov-White Foundation.

Rumored to exist since the 1980’s, The Demikhov-White Foundation is named after the controversial Soviet scientist Vladmir Demikhov and the controversial American surgeon Dr. Robert White. Demikhov was an organ transplant pioneer, who transplanted organs from one animal into another, and famously created the “two headed dog” in the 1950’s. White was best known for his head transplants on monkeys in the 1970’s - including one transplant where he successfully grafted one monkey’s head onto another monkey’s body.

The scientific community embraced both men as pioneers, but the public accused them of being unethical, or “Dr. Frankensteins.” Due to protests from animal rights activists, the work of Demikhov and White proved difficult to continue. Rumor has it that they continued their work in private, at an undisclosed location somewhere in the United States. Additional rumors state that they recruited other scientists to help them, and that the experiments advanced to the point of creating animal-human hybrids.

“I’m not going to comment on rumors and myth,” says Dr. Stephen Worthington, a New York-based scientist who’s been studying Ed for two years. “Just because a horse has some curious scars on his head and ‘DWF’ on its rear, doesn’t mean he has a human larynx.”

Shyne Po also dismisses the rumors. “I don’t know, man,” he replied. “All I know is I heard about this talking horse [scientists] were studying, and thought it would be a fresh way to get back in the game. I flew out to meet [Ed], and as soon as I saw him, it was a wrap. I was like…that’s me. That’s my new voice. In a talking horse.”

The verdict is out on whether Shyne and Ed, the talking horse, can produce a hip hop classic. But the formerly incarcerated rapper remains optimistic.

“We’re takin’ over the game, man,” claimed Shyne, as he stroked Ed’s mane. “Me and the talking horse. This is it, right here. You know what I mean? No one on the block has swagger like us. Ain’t that right, Ed?”

“No one on the block has swagger like us,” repeated Ed, with a snort. “No one.”

- Posted by THE NAMELESS NARRATOR

Snoop Dogg: "I've Never Smoked Weed Before, I Just Wanted People To Think I Was Cool"

Thu, 22 Apr 2010 10:00:00 -0700

In a shocking magazine interview, West Coast rapper Snoop Dogg admitted that he has never used marijuana in any form. “I’ve never smoked weed before,” Snoop confessed. “I just wanted people to think I was cool.”

The legendary MC first gained notoriety by appearing on Dr. Dre’s 1992 album, The Chronic. He went on to release ten studio albums of his own, with songs like “Vapors,” “I Love Weed” and “Smokin’ Smokin’ Weed.” In 2000, he headlined the Up In Smoke Tour, and in 2002, High Times gave him the Stony Award for “Stoner of the Year.” Yet it appears this was all an elaborate facade.

“I’ve been faking it since I was 18,” Snoop revealed. “It was tough to make friends, and I just wanted Dr. Dre, Kurupt and Daz Dillinger to like me.”

In order to fool his friends, Snoop smoked oregano, but he later perfected a more realistic mix - oregano, pinyon pine potpourri, and poppy seeds. “It took forever to pick those poppy seeds out of the muffins,” Snoop reminisced. “But I needed them for the smell, you dig?”

As the years passed, Snoop went to greater lengths to fake getting high - including going nights without sleep. “There were all these concerts and interviews and shit,” Snoop said. “They expected me to be high, so I’d skip sleeping the night before. Then I’d come in all loopy and red-eyed and they’d think I was high. And they’d think I was happy because I was high. But I wasn’t happy because I was high. I was happy because other people thought I was cool, and wanted to be my friend.”

The revelation happened during an interview with Reprise Magazine on April 20th, aka “420,” an unofficial holiday for marijuana enthusiasts. The reporter asked Snoop if he had smoked up yet, and the gangsta rapper burst into tears. “I can’t lie anymore,” Snoop said, in between sobs. “Even if my friends stop hanging out with me and think I’m lame or some dork - I have to come clean.”

In recent days, Snoop has taken several steps to do this. He arranged to have his cameo in Half-Baked removed from all future copies. He renounced his 2002 Stony Award for “Stoner of the Year” (which High Times redistributed to Jim Breuer.) And most remarkably, Snoop’s entire catalog of music will be re-edited, re-recorded and remixed, replacing references to marijuana with references to puppies.

“I just think they’re cute,” the former Crip explained. “When I was hanging out with Warren G and Nate Dogg, and they were smoking weed, and I was smoking my oregano-potpourri-poppy seeds, after a night of no sleep….thinking about puppies was the only thing that kept me from crying.”

There is no word yet on whether Warren G, Nate Dogg, Dr. Dre, Daz Dillenger, Kurupt, RBX, Xzibit, Eminem, Ice Cube, Butch Cassidy, Tray Dee, Goldie Loc, Kokane, Jewell, Master P, Pharrell or The Lady of Rage will still be Snoop’s friend. But in the meantime, the rap icon’s keeping busy: The new, marijuana-free version of Doggystyle is due 4th quarter 2010. In order to wet fans’ appetites, Snoop offered a sample lyric from the updated “Gin N’ Juice.”

“Later on that day / My homey Dr. Dre came through with a gang of Tanqueray / And a puppy named Jay / It was so cute it made me choke… / Shit, this ain’t no joke / I had to back up off of it, set my cup down / Think about how happy I am with my friends around.”

- Posted by JOE

50 Cent "Black Magic" Tracklist and Cover Art

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 14:10:00 -0700

Sources at Interscope Records have revealed the final tracklist and cover art for 50 Cent’s upcoming album, Black Magic:

1. I’m Going To Murder You
2. I’m So Tough I Can’t Even Describe It, But I’ll Try
3. Remember When I Used to Sell Drugs?
4. Girl, You Be Dancin’ In The Club And Shit, And I Like It
5. Eminem And I Are Crazy - Quite Crazy, As A Matter Of Fact
6. People Who Are Pissing Me Off For Spurious Reasons
7. Guns Are Fun And I Own Them WATCH OUT
8. I’m Still Going To Murder You
9. G-Unit Is Still A Thing, Sort Of
10. Girl, I Want To Have Sex With You, But I Also Want To Be Your Best Friend, Because I’m Sensitive And Shit
11. Something, Something, Something, Crack
12. Terrible Sexual Metaphor
13. Club Song Where I Repeatedly Say Dr. Dre’s Name To Imply He Produced It, Although He Didn’t
14. Money Money Money Money Money (ft. Wario)
15. Uh-Oh, I Had Sex With You
16. Remember All That Talk About Murder? Well, I’m Seriously Going To Murder You, In The Face, With My Gun. G-Unit.

No word on the production credits yet, but I’ll let you know as soon as I find a new source at Interscope. My old source was only willing to give up this information, and it is not possible for me to get in touch with her anymore.

(And no, this source was NOT Jessica Dunlop, Interscope Records publicist, who mysteriously went missing. I do NOT KNOW HER, and I have NO IDEA WHERE SHE COULD BE.)

Stay tuned.

- Posted by JOE

Greatest Hip Hop Website In The World Launches

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 15:57:00 -0700

The rap community was shocked today, with the release of a brand new website on the Internet. While there are countless websites that report rap news, and say “no homo” after every sentence, very few of these websites report fake rap news, and say “no homo” after every sentence. This new website - FakeRapNews.com - promises to fill that gaping hole with hot, juicy content. (No homo.)

Not much is known about its creator, “Joe Hanson.” According to Internet research, he claims to be a “comedian.” However, there are no records of him performing stand-up comedy or putting on shows with a reputable improv troupe. He also claims to be a “television host,” having worked on the shows “Smash Cuts” and “Joe Gets.” However, there is no evidence that either of these shows exist, and in a nationwide poll, only 5% of people had heard of them. (The poll had a 5% margin of error.) And in an even more bizarre turn, he claims to be a “rapper” named “Bino White.” A rudimentary YouTube search reveals several videos featuring “Bino White” - but what he is doing in them could hardly be considered rapping.

Since his Internet profile doesn’t hold up, there are some theories about “Joe Hanson.” Some say he is related to the band Hanson - that he was the fourth Hanson brother the family kept secret, and locked in an attic, before he snapped with rage and escaped. Others say he is the creation of Hanson Robotics - an android that looks human, and sounds human, but is programmed to destroy us all at an unspecified date in the future. Meanwhile, German anthropologist Keister Muller argued that “Joe Hanson” has been alive for hundreds of years. He claimed to have 19th century photos and 18th century paintings bearing Joe’s likeness - and in each image, Joe was the same age. But since Muller mysteriously disappeared, and all of his belongings were destroyed in a fire, we can easily discard this theory.

Until more information can be gathered about its creator, under the darkness of night, we must glean what we can from the website itself. FakeRapNews.com promises to be “your #1 source for hip hop since 2pac moved to Cuba,” and rival rap websites are decidedly shook. Three bloggers from HipHopDX.com leaped to their deaths from their 50th floor office window. Five editors from WorldStarHipHop.com took their own lives by eating rat poison. And over fifteen members of the SOHH.com Forum killed themselves by slitting their wrists (though, to be fair, that happens every day).

The effect of FakeRapNews.com has been felt amongst rap artists as well. Dr. Dre has bumped the release of Detox to June 6th, 2023, to make sure it’s “good enough.” Lil’ Wayne has changed his name to “R’lly Lil’ Wayne,” because he feels “humbled.” And 2pac has moved somewhere in South America, since his cover in Cuba was “blown.” (A 14-year-old boy in Ecuador claims he saw a 30-something black man arrive by boat, wearing a doo-rag, singing, “Hennessyyy, enemieees, Hennessyy, enemiees.”

Truly these are the first of many changes that will reverberate through the world. Stay tuned.

- Posted by THE NAMELESS NARRATOR