May 7, 2010
New Canibus Album Just Rapping a High School Biology Textbook

CanibusRapper Canibus is being accused of plagiarism for his latest album, Prentice Hall Biology. While the underground MC has always been known for his scientific rhymes, critics say that his new album crosses the line - in that everything he raps is quoted verbatim from the high school science textbook Prentice Hall Biology, by Miller & Levine.

“Most of the universe consists of matter and energy,” raps Canibus on the opening song, “Atoms and Molecules.” “Energy is the capacity to do work / Matter has mass and occupies space / All matter is composed of basic elements / that cannot be broken down to substances / with different chemical or physical properties.”

“I really can’t support this,” says Canibus fan Doug McCallister, while playing Starcraft 2 in his parents’ basement. “I mean, Canibus is ill. I loved ‘Poet Laureate II.’ But it’s not right to steal like this. I knew something was wrong when Canibus’ lyrics sounded coherent, and I started to learn something.”

prentice hall biology textbookPrentice Hall Biology is Canibus’ tenth studio album, and each song has the same title as a chapter in Prentice Hall Biology, the high school science textbook. Since there are no choruses, each track consists of Canibus rapping random passages verbatim, with the only deviations being the occasional “yeah,” “yo” or “uh!”

On the lead single, “Evolution,” Canibus raps, “Gene flow moves alleles among populations / through interbreeding as well as by migration / of breeding individuals. Gene flow increases variation / within a population / by introducing new alleles produced in another population.”

“Look, I know what to expect when I listen to a Canibus album,” says Canibus fan Winston Feingold, while playing World of Warcraft in his dark studio apartment. “I expect beats by people I’ve never heard of, songs with no structure whatsoever, and dope ass rhymes that reference literature, science and philosophy. I don’t want to hear Canibus plagiarize a high school science textbook. Although this is still better than C: True Hollywood Stories.”

The writers of Prentice Hall Biology, Ken Miller and Joe Levine, remain unsure if they’re going to press charges.

“We thought about suing Canibus to get a cut of his record sales,” says Ken, “but he doesn’t really have any record sales.”

“Then we thought about suing Canibus to get our names listed on his album as songwriters,” says Joe. “But we heard his songs and we don’t really want to take credit for them.”

Prentice Hall Biology - the Canibus album - is available to purchase online, and at that sketchy Best Buy in your state’s biggest city. While Miller & Levine debate whether or not to press charges, they take comfort in knowing the plagiarism is so obvious - on multiple songs, Canibus raps the discussion questions at the end of each textbook chapter.

“Why are sponges classified as animals?” raps Canibus on “Invertebrates.” “Why is the movement of water key to a sponge’s survival? / Match the terms on the left with the definitions on the right / Osculum, spiculus, pores, coanocytes, archaeocytes / Describe how a sponge feeds / What triggers a sponge to produce gemmules?”

- Posted by JOE

April 23, 2010
New Shyne Songs Actually Being Recorded By Horse That Learned To Speak

shyne horseFormer Bad Boy artist Shyne recently returned to hip hop after spending more than eight years in prison. However, songs such as “Messiah” have gotten overwhelmingly negative feedback. Fans have wondered why Shyne’s voice sounds so raspy and jarring, and now an answer has finally emerged - all the new “Shyne” songs have actually been recorded by a horse that learned to speak.

“I am no longer the guy that I used to be,” says Shyne, who was convicted in 2001 for his role in a nightclub shooting. “The best way for me to move on with my life will be to put the past behind me. So all of my new songs will be recorded by a talking horse.”

The horse - nicknamed Ed after the 1960’s TV show - is a chestnut Arabian stallion, roughly 14 years of age. While the horse does not possess human intelligence, it is capable of mimicking human speech. Ed began by repeating simple phrases such as “Hello,” “very happy” and “good oats.” He worked his way up to repeating nursery rhymes, and now he raps the hard knock tales of a lascivious street hustler trying to make a fortune.

“I can’t think of anyone better than Ed to rap my verses,” says Shyne. “Ed represents the new me - a 30-year-old man that sounds like a talking horse.”

Ed, of course, is not the first animal to speak human language. Beyond parrots, there have been a variety of talking animals over the years - Tiggy the cat, Odie the dog, Hoover the harbor seal, Batyr the elephant. What separates Ed from the rest, though, is his expanded vocabulary and memory.

rapping horse“I got the city on my back, pretty women in my lap,” Ed raps on Shyne’s new single, Messiah. “Rollin’ in the Rolls, Sit sittin’ in my lap. / This is not a rap, fool, this is not an act.”

Yet how exactly the horse can do this remains a mystery. Scientists claim Ed was discovered by a South Dakota farmer in the wild, with the only clue to its origin being the letters “DWF” branded onto its hind quarters. To most, those letters are meaningless. However, some people believe “DWF” stands for the Demikhov-White Foundation.

Rumored to exist since the 1980’s, The Demikhov-White Foundation is named after the controversial Soviet scientist Vladmir Demikhov and the controversial American surgeon Dr. Robert White. Demikhov was an organ transplant pioneer, who transplanted organs from one animal into another, and famously created the “two headed dog” in the 1950’s. White was best known for his head transplants on monkeys in the 1970’s - including one transplant where he successfully grafted one monkey’s head onto another monkey’s body.

The scientific community embraced both men as pioneers, but the public accused them of being unethical, or “Dr. Frankensteins.” Due to protests from animal rights activists, the work of Demikhov and White proved difficult to continue. Rumor has it that they continued their work in private, at an undisclosed location somewhere in the United States. Additional rumors state that they recruited other scientists to help them, and that the experiments advanced to the point of creating animal-human hybrids.

shyne horse hip hop“I’m not going to comment on rumors and myth,” says Dr. Stephen Worthington, a New York-based scientist who’s been studying Ed for two years. “Just because a horse has some curious scars on his head and ‘DWF’ on its rear, doesn’t mean he has a human larynx.”

Shyne Po also dismisses the rumors. “I don’t know, man,” he replied. “All I know is I heard about this talking horse [scientists] were studying, and thought it would be a fresh way to get back in the game. I flew out to meet [Ed], and as soon as I saw him, it was a wrap. I was like…that’s me. That’s my new voice. In a talking horse.”

The verdict is out on whether Shyne and Ed, the talking horse, can produce a hip hop classic. But the formerly incarcerated rapper remains optimistic.

“We’re takin’ over the game, man,” claimed Shyne, as he stroked Ed’s mane. “Me and the talking horse. This is it, right here. You know what I mean? No one on the block has swagger like us. Ain’t that right, Ed?”

“No one on the block has swagger like us,” repeated Ed, with a snort. “No one.”

- Posted by THE NAMELESS NARRATOR

April 22, 2010
Snoop Dogg: “I’ve Never Smoked Weed Before, I Just Wanted People To Think I Was Cool”

snoop dogg weedIn a shocking magazine interview, West Coast rapper Snoop Dogg admitted that he has never used marijuana in any form. “I’ve never smoked weed before,” Snoop confessed. “I just wanted people to think I was cool.”

The legendary MC first gained notoriety by appearing on Dr. Dre’s 1992 album, The Chronic. He went on to release ten studio albums of his own, with songs like “Vapors,” “I Love Weed” and “Smokin’ Smokin’ Weed.” In 2000, he headlined the Up In Smoke Tour, and in 2002, High Times gave him the Stony Award for “Stoner of the Year.” Yet it appears this was all an elaborate facade.

“I’ve been faking it since I was 18,” Snoop revealed. “It was tough to make friends, and I just wanted Dr. Dre, Kurupt and Daz Dillinger to like me.”

In order to fool his friends, Snoop smoked oregano, but he later perfected a more realistic mix - oregano, pinyon pine potpourri, and poppy seeds. “It took forever to pick those poppy seeds out of the muffins,” Snoop reminisced. “But I needed them for the smell, you dig?”

As the years passed, Snoop went to greater lengths to fake getting high - including going nights without sleep. “There were all these concerts and interviews and shit,” Snoop said. “They expected me to be high, so I’d skip sleeping the night before. Then I’d come in all loopy and red-eyed and they’d think I was high. And they’d think I was happy because I was high. But I wasn’t happy because I was high. I was happy because other people thought I was cool, and wanted to be my friend.”

snoop dogg 213The revelation happened during an interview with Reprise Magazine on April 20th, aka “420,” an unofficial holiday for marijuana enthusiasts. The reporter asked Snoop if he had smoked up yet, and the gangsta rapper burst into tears. “I can’t lie anymore,” Snoop said, in between sobs. “Even if my friends stop hanging out with me and think I’m lame or some dork - I have to come clean.”

In recent days, Snoop has taken several steps to do this. He arranged to have his cameo in Half-Baked removed from all future copies. He renounced his 2002 Stony Award for “Stoner of the Year” (which High Times redistributed to Jim Breuer.) And most remarkably, Snoop’s entire catalog of music will be re-edited, re-recorded and remixed, replacing references to marijuana with references to puppies.

“I just think they’re cute,” the former Crip explained. “When I was hanging out with Warren G and Nate Dogg, and they were smoking weed, and I was smoking my oregano-potpourri-poppy seeds, after a night of no sleep….thinking about puppies was the only thing that kept me from crying.”

puppiesThere is no word yet on whether Warren G, Nate Dogg, Dr. Dre, Daz Dillenger, Kurupt, RBX, Xzibit, Eminem, Ice Cube, Butch Cassidy, Tray Dee, Goldie Loc, Kokane, Jewell, Master P, Pharrell or The Lady of Rage will still be Snoop’s friend. But in the meantime, the rap icon’s keeping busy: The new, marijuana-free version of Doggystyle is due 4th quarter 2010. In order to wet fans’ appetites, Snoop offered a sample lyric from the updated “Gin N’ Juice.”

“Later on that day / My homey Dr. Dre came through with a gang of Tanqueray / And a puppy named Jay / It was so cute it made me choke… / Shit, this ain’t no joke / I had to back up off of it, set my cup down / Think about how happy I am with my friends around.”

- Posted by JOE

Liked posts on Tumblr: More liked posts »